just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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