Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
