dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
