im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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