I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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