ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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