I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
