y did u give ur computer a hand job?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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