I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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