I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
