She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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