I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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