Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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