My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
