my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
