I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
