Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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