I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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