she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
BRING THE BAGELS
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
