I didn't shave. On purpose
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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