omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
