i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You ruined the universe
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
