oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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