Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
