Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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