I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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