if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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