He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
