In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Quick, to the slutcave!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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