Just fell off a train. Bad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
