I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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