i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
