Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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