I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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