Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
