Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
