Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
