my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
