Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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