Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize