Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
