I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
