You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
