he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
