dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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