areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
