I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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