no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
