So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
