You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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