I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
