Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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