she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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