you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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