his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
