i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found puke in my bra..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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