I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
