You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize