Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
