Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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